BIRDFINGER

My momma walked on 'eggshells,' because in our nest there wasn't any space not covered with eggshells. Momma went by the name of Dixsin and she said a patron saint had named me, her son, Birdfinger. This saint told her she should gather eggshells, clean them, crush them, and cover her entire nest with eggshells. Dixsin or anyone who entered her roost was to walk barefooted on the eggshells. These eggshells were not an answer to a prayer, they were a prayer for an answer. For every time someone walked on these eggshells out of their mouths these words would flow - "Why me, Lord? What have I ever done to deserve even one of these damn eggshells between my toes? How will I ever get this scene out of my mind, this smell out of my nose, and these eggshells out of my toes?" Lord, why couldn't you put this trip on that fake Native American Indian known as high cheek bone "ass or face" (we still don't know) fake-a-hontas? She is still looking, with O.J.'s help, to locate that one little old mosquito that pulled a quid pro quo on her only drop of red man blood. Will she or won't she get a bung hole suntan before the next de-e-e-m-o-o-oh-bait? It took all my bird power to just get part of the word out. Where oh where is Tulsi when you need her?

                                C. Birdfinger



 

JUST PULL

by C. Birdfinger

May the winds of time change you and your life into happy days. May you never have to be the Lone Ranger escaping from New York only to wind up in Tombstone waiting for Rowdy Yates to become the outlaw Josey Wales. May you never be Unforgiven for not throwing Meryl Streep off the Tallahatchie Bridge while waiting for the Titanic to kill that mocking bird for you only to find out that Willie Nelson (while rolling a joint) when driving his bus, ran over that mocking bird - while singing 'on the commode again' - making noise from my end; even Helen Keller can't get me out of this one "so" smell it before you yell it - butt if you really want to unstop your sinuses just pull my Birdfinger.

 

"WARNING"

This Book Carries a Plastic Fruit Warning

If you are not brain dead, the reading of My Daddy Always Said will cause you to laugh your ass off; if your ass is not the size of Mount Rushmore. If your ass is as big as Mount Rushmore it will take two readings to get both cheeks off. Remember: one reading = one cheek - back to back readings = both cheeks -

Now read them-thar cheeks off!

 

RUFFLE HIS FEATHERS

We don't need no accusations! We don't need no fake news! We don't need no lies to gain control! We don't need no coup d' 'etat! Democrats leave the president alone! All in all you're just another demon-rat against the wall. All in all you're just another tick on Nancy's balls. We don't need piles of Schiff on the floor in America's capital halls! We don't need Katie Hill a-c-ing and d-c-ing on Capitol Hill! We don't need squads against cods! Democrats leave the president alone! All in all you're just the sickos walking in the capital's halls. All in all you can't accept Trump won. All in all you can't accept that America finally elected a president with backbone and balls. Demon-crats leave the president alone! Losers leave the winner alone!! Hey Democrats, leave the president alone! All in all you're not worth the sweat it took to build the wall.

 
 

I don't care if it is a service dog or a check engine light dog, I don't want to eat near it - with it - or by it. That dog will lick it's ass, it's penis or pootie (if it's a female) then lick and kiss you and your children. That dog will lick another dogs ass - then lick and kiss you or your children. That dog will lick the floor and pick up a booger or green snot drippings then give you a wet kiss. People, you need to remember a dog is just a dog. They are meant to be loved and treated well but they are not meant to be restaurant guest or shopping guest. Who wants to put their food items in a shopping cart where a dog has been? Which one of you wants to lick a dog's ass? Now cats, don't get me started... but just to be fair, for every restaurant - grocery store - box store or shopping mall that allows dogs in on a leash - there should be a rule. For every dog, there should be a cat and for every cat there should be a bird and for every bird there should be a snake and for every snake there should be a rat. People - do you see where this is going? What's next? Nancy Pelosi leading A.O.C. and pencil-neck on a short leash while dining at Birdfinger's Buffet?